The Pheenix Mind On…Discipline.
It’s 1:14am on a Wednesday morning and here I am suddenly struck by the strong urge to blog…well to write really. I’m trying something new in my life in which I force myself to do the things I don’t want to do. I have to do this to myself right now because I lack a certain mature quality called discipline. And because I have very little discipline, I find many of my ideas remaining just that…ideas.
The point of me mentioning all that is because I decided to take some time from sewing a garment for a client to satisfy this strong desire to write. And what better place to write than here at the blog that I’ve neglected for over 2 months, heh.
My time away has given me plenty of time to think about how I want to incorporate blogging into my life. If you know anything about my online presence, then you’ll know that I also took a hiatus from my design blog…a clear indication of just how frazzled I am right now. You know, it’s funny, as I sit here and type, I realize more & more just how imperative it is that I DO make blogging a part of my life.
(Please excuse the disjointed state of this post…kinda writing in a stream of consciousness right now)
I’m not ashamed to admit that I talk to myself… A LOT. It’s going on 6 months of me being in Los Angeles & still don’t have any acquaintances that I can call up & chat with. Apparently, people don’t really seem too keen on making friends after you leave college. But I digress. Anyway, yes, so since I don’t have another human to bounce thoughts off, I talk out loud to myself. It hit me as I was washing the dishes the other day that why not just blog my ideas? I personally think I come up with some really insightful shit.
For example, I was thinking the other day about why I don’t have a steady relationship right now. I’m completely over trying to figure out why men haven’t come dime a dozen for me like they do other women, but what I do still ponder is why I remain single when I have all my ducks in a row. Aside from still being relatively new to the city, I couldn’t come up with any other reasons until it hit me – I’m not supposed to be focused on another person right now. Now, as I type that, it doesn’t mean I don’t want to be focused on a love, but what that’s saying is that I shouldn’t be. When I had this realization, I asked myself why that is & immediately was able to answer myself with this: because I cannot afford to get lost in someone when I need to be lost in myself. By myself I mean my work. I’m still getting by on this part time retail job & freelance gigs, but besides 3 additions to my resume, I’m no closer to working in film that I was when I signed my lease on Dec 27th.
I’m the kinda girl that devotes disgusting amounts of time to my man. I get my shit done, & then spend my time with him if it’s possible. That will not fly now (it shouldn’t have flown ever, to be honest) because all my time need to spent job hunting, seeking out costuming gigs, working on stuff for my shop, & just all around self growth. As lonely as I am. Hell, as horny as I am, I’ve got to start being a grown up and doing what I need to do rather than what I want to do. The truth is I’m just a ball of organized chaos right now & adding another human being to the mix isn’t fair to him or me.
Which brings this little mind purge full circle back to the idea of discipline. I’m taking charge of my actions. Never has it been so clear to me that I am the one to make things a go or a no. I realize that as a young, pretty, driven, & educated woman, the world truly is at my fingertips. I just need to match my willpower with my ambition. Work. work. work.
Now if only I could think of the word discipline without picturing myself covered in latex and with a whip…damn hormones!
Oh yeah and…I think I’m back to blogging more, but don’t quote me on that.
A New Leaf.
“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” – Maria Robinson
…This is my way of saying that I haven’t been fully invested in Jade Pheenix for a long time. I should have posted this a long time ago, but I’m finding my way with this blog. I keep lamenting about that and I’m sure you’re tired of hearing it, but I think I’ve finally come up with content and ideas that will make this lifestyle blog of mine truly something I can look forward to writing for.
I’m tired of looking to other blogs I admire as a template for my blog’s success and style. They are doing them and it’s high time I make MY lifestyle blog do me.
So stay tuned…once the busyness of my life gets in order (I’ve got projects galore that I cannot wait to share!), Jade Pheenix will be back in effect. And it will be better than ever…Until then you can always find me at my first love or twittering away.
Peace & Light
(46).47/365. (Washed Up.)
I’m a bit upset to admit that I didn’t take a single photo yesterday…hence why there is not #46. I’ve found out that one of the main reasons I’m keeping up with this 365 project is because I want to start and finish a project to the end….that’s a bit difficult for a scatterbrained artist like myself…
Anyway, I gave in to the monster looming in my closet and decided to trek a block away and do my laundry. The washing machines in a laundromat look like something NASA would use…big stainless steel machines that eat your clothes and then spit them out…
The last time I was in a laundromat was back in college. It was with a girl whom I once considered one of my best friends.
*Sidenote – I used to have a laundry route back in college where I would pick up the laundry of kids in the dorms and then drop it off at the laundromat…at an extra $200 a week, it was a pretty good gig.
Needless to say we aren’t friends anymore (the story of which I will probably tell someday), but the laundromat remains another random place that I actually like being at (some others which include the eye doctor & the tire section of Sam’s Club…I think rubber smells good.)
I now have two clean bags of clothes that I need to fold and put away – always the down side of doing laundry.
I’ve been in the weirdest of moods lately. I get sort of frustrated at random times. There doesn’t even need to be a trigger – I’ll just start feeling pissed off at the world. I suppose I could think really hard about why that is…in fact I know a great deal of it is the fact that I want a better job and I’m sick of battling lonliness…but I digress…
My sister and cousin are coming to visit me in 3 weeks so I’m gonna certainly work on turning these random frowns upside down.
*Another sidenote – I just saw the most gorgeous dress on RuPaul’s Drag Race…and I bet that man was wearing it 10x better than I ever could!
44.45/365. (Love Day.)
44.
45.
Happy Love Day…mine was filled with…
…pampering myself, the above delicious chocolate covered pretzel (from a nice lady at work!) and grilled cheese sandwiches with wine, traffic, sunshine, and good conversations with my sister.
I want to tell you a story though…
4 years ago on this day, I had a Valentine. It was wonderful. He was wonderful. We were happy and I was experiencing some of the best times of my life. I was falling in love. And though he was my first boyfriend, I felt that he was everything I could want in a man. He made me feel special. He was attentive. He was highly intelligent. He was charming. He was invested in making me a better person. And I too, was the same for him. I was fiercely loyal. I was there whenever he needed me. I showed him a different way of looking at things. I made him chuckle with my silliness. I gave him every part of myself…all my attentions, all my tears, all my dreams, all my fears, and of course, I willingly gave him my body as well. And all that was truly wonderful, because again, I was falling in love…and who better to share all my first experiences like this with besides this person who held my heart so.
…Though, in the typical fashion of how out of your control life can get, my Valentine & I were not meant to experience future Valentine’s Days together forever. I fought this realization fiercely for months…for years actually. And I know he did too…otherwise we would not have not embarked on this sad cycle of ending up in each other’s arms…in each other’s beds…in each other’s heads for the following 2 years after that 1st beautiful Valentine’s Day. It ripped me apart to know that we were growing apart. How could we be? I mean, he took me home to meet his family. I introduced him to my father. We were getting to the point where we were starting to finish each other’s sentences. But such is life, isn’t it?
Eventually it was told to me flat out that we were not going to have a future. Looking back, I have to give him credit for having the emotional fortitude to know that we couldn’t spend a life together. My lack of experience and my being blinded by pure adoration for this person was clouding my judgement, so I certainly wasn’t going to admit that. On top of that, I had never given myself the time or thought to know what I truly wanted in a man. And since I had no reference point, I thought it was him simply because he made me feel special…but I learned that that was not enough. Months of tears and emotional flare ups finally showed me what my soulmate truly has to have…and what I have to have for him as well.
On this Valentine’s Day, I am proud to say that my first Valentine & I are now comfortable friends. Our emotions duked it out, but we both came out wiser and probably more well equipped to be in each other’s lives since all the romantic emotional ties have since dissolved. I wanted to share this story because at this point in my life, on this day in February, I cannot help but to be reminded of what we had because quite frankly, I have yet to experience it again with someone else. But you know what, every Valentine’s Day I spend romantically alone only makes me feel that much more excited for the years that will come when I won’t be alone. I have so much to look forward to. Especially since I know what it is to fall in love with someone…it’s taken years for me to be able to get to that point of being excited about romantic love again – but it feels so good to be again.
So if you’ve spent this day with the love of your life, I hope you’ve enjoyed it immensely. And if you haven’t, keep in mind that the love of your life hasn’t found you yet either – but they will. In the meantime, spend each Valentine’s Day as I do – loving yourself and loving the other good relationships /people you have in your life. After all, at the end of the day, that’s what this day is meant to celebrate anyway – that tie that binds us all regardless of the type of emotional attachment – L.O.V.E.
43/365. (Tribal).
Today I didn’t have to work os I slept ’til noon..which I never get to do anymore because of work. Then I got up and made me some scrambled eggs, turkey bacon, and some delicious toast with strawberry jam. Then I proceeded to finish detailing my dresser…the fruits of labor which can be seen above. It took all my day up…but that’s okay because now the rest of my clothes have a home. And I have a pretty awesome dresser…take that Pier 1. I free-handed the entire thing with my take on a tribal pattern.
Now I’m going to finish up Saturday with a glass of wine and some Adult Swim…while I finish touching up my twists…I love being productive…on my own terms.
41.42/365. (Things That Make Me Happy.)
41.
42.
41. – ANY dessert from Whole Foods. Like this delicious Strawberry Sorbet I tried from there…heaven in a cup I swear
42. – Pretty Lights….especially when they’re from a fashion show that I showed in…more photos on that to come.
Life is good. Life is great…though if I could get a better job, it would be outstanding…
[The Pheenix Life]…About Town In L.A.
So when I 1st moved here (almost 2 months ago (!!!)), I was surprised to have been invited to two neat events – a monthly meeting for Collab L.A. and a fashion mixer hosted by Dream Cartel, a local fashion PR company. I throughly enjoyed both events and met some really great, creative people. In fact, I met a director that just may give me the opportunity to costume my first film! Anyway, here’s some of what those nights entailed….
Collab L.A.
Networking boards…
Wine Bar!
Me and some other creative folks…good times…looking forward to the next event!
Fashion Mixer @ Nobody Jones
I fell IN LOVE with these bangles. They’re hand painted…once I find the business card with the artist’s name, I’m definitely doing a post about her over at Sparkleshock.
At the mixer, I met an awesome fellow costumer who’s pop up shop is selling the gorgeous bangles above. The name is the shop is Dymond Wayz and it;s based in ATL…definitely need to get back to Nobody Jones & cop one of those bangles ASAP.
40/365. (The Music In Me.)
A little known fact about me is that I wasn’t allowed to listen to any other sort of music except Contemporary Christian and Gospel until the time I was 14 years old. I remember going places with my friends and being crushed by jealousy at the fact that they knew the words to the latest Spice Girl or Hanson song. I used to even be one of those people that would pretend to mouth the lyrics (all while really mouthing the names of fruits) just so I could “be in the loop” and not seem like a square. My best childhood friend ended up getting a copy of No Doubt’s Tragic Kingdom and I remember begging my mom to let me borrow it…but to no avail. The only concerts I was allowed to attend were ones at my church and the only sounds to come out of my 5 piece boom box was DC Talk, Virtue, and Kirk Franklin.
I learned to work well with the limitations in my musical tastes. I grew to love DC Talk (& still listen to them to this day). But I was going through a VERY insecure period from the ages of 11-14, so anytime I would have people over, I would hide all my Christian CD’s and go about pretending that I’d heard the latest hit song on the radio. As trivial as it seems to me now, no one ever really said anything about my music…I realized years later that the “she’s a geek” idea was totally self planted in my head…but even though it really wasn’t that serious, I still hate the idea that my musical exploration was stifled. You see, the two senses that have always been my strongest (& most cherished) are sound and taste. I have always loved music and sound. And though I cannot play an instrument, I’ve always been told that I have an ear for music.
Eventually, my parents loosened up & my first “secular” CD was actually Janet Jackson’s Janet album (which is interesting to me cause that album later on became a standard part of my “lovemakin” playlist). But after that, it didn’t take long until I was seeking out every genre from World music to Reggae to Acid Jazz. In college, the one thing an ex boyfriend and I were perfectly matched on was musical tastes, so through him, I discovered my love for Trip-Hop & Dubstep. Today, I’ll hear a song or melody in a commercial or out & about and I will do everything I can to discover the artist and then I’ll hunt down a copy of the song or album.
Something about music has always calmed my soul. I remember moments not usually by location, but by what sounds were going on. I categorize periods in my life & time by what songs dominated it. I am very picky about what I consider “musical talent” (though I do have a couple hundred questionable songs for fun’s sake) and I constantly want to expand my musical surroundings. My 23 days of music are an integral part of my life…it’s the music in me.
39/365. (Think.)
“Thinking is more interesting than knowing, but less interesting than looking” |
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Johann Wolfgang von Goethe…And I think and look far too much for my own good sometimes. Ah well, at least my curiosity is always satiated. |
38/365. (Admissions.)
I admit…that I have been wasting my days when I come home from work. All I want to do when I come home is sleep. So that’s what I do. It’s a catch 22 though because I loathe wasting my time. 1 month into 2011 and that resolution to manage my time better is still eluding me.
I admit…that of all the ways I express myself, I’ve always felt that dance is the most raw…even though I cannot dance (at least not how I want to) to save my life.
I admit…that sometimes, when dusk is approaching (like in today’s photo), I start to feel immensely giddy…almost like something epic is going to happen. I believe that has something to do with the ions that are released from the sun’s energy at that time.
I admit…that the only feelings of envy or jealousy that feel or have ever felt are towards people in love.
I admit…that sometimes I’ll watch shows I don’t like if they were shows that someone who’s no longer in my life watched. Even if it’s been years.
I admit…that sometimes I’d rather stay in my head than face the realities of the world.
